diet day #1

ok. Yesterday. It was Easter ok - so I more or less pigged out until 5PM. And actually managed not to eat anything until 4AM - when I woke up - ate a yoghurt, a small chocolate bunny and a piece of Easter bread. Considering what I usually eat during my nightly wanderings - not too bad.

The trick about not eatting after 5PM is this: do not take a bite of anything. Not even an apple or a grape. Once you put something in your mouth - its over. And just telling yourself that you can eat again at 8AM in the morning. It helps. Plus you have to remind yourself what it feels like to have a huge stomach as opposed to a flat empty stomach (the latter being MUCH nicer)

its Easter

indeed it is.


And I am still smoking. I want to give up and I don't. I guess I should. I have been smoking for - what - 14 years now? Maybe a bit less. Time to quit soon. Really. And I have 4 weeks to lose 10 lbs. Cause I am gonna be on tv. And tv makes you look fat. Thats my goal.

Not huge. But still. Has to be done.

.....or....

..just bloody embrace it. There are ups and downs. This is a down. Ok, my downs are like, really really low. Maybe try to alliviate the down side for next time. (I had hoped - during my last down time, that it wouldn't re-appear again...ha. Close your eyes and make a wish)

Make a plan.
For next time.
Which is - save 10% of everything I earn.
Don't own anything. Unless I can make a downpayment of at least 50%.
Stick with it.
Do it.

Just do it.

oh man - I have worked on way too many ads.

respect......self-respect

"If you want to be respected by others
the great thing is to respect yourself.
Only by that, only by self-respect will
you compel others to respect you."


A quote by Dostoyevsky. But I mean, yeah, Aretha Franklin made a contribution too so I am not getting all philosophically anal here. But seeing it.....and reading about self-respect again, I started thinking about what it really means. And it kinda scared me. What I did/do to myself (just spending money, not saving anything, being TOTALLY dependent on the monthly paycheck - and when it suddenly stopped - found myself going to the bank with all the loose change I had lying around and once again, selling some expensive bags to be able to buy the daily necessities such as cigarettes. You'd think this would be a good time to quit smoking, wouldn't you? It'd save me close to 4 euros per day. But alas - no. ) Anyways - I am trying to analyze my actions here. I guess I don't have much self-respect:
I can't think ahead (have not been capable of putting away even 100 bucks a month so that I had a bit of a pad)

and put myself again and again in a situation where I am dependent on someone else's generosity. Plus - its like sooo retarded having financial troubles. It just so smells of absolute stupidity and pathetic - ness. It just doesn't have that halo of martyrdom that some terminal illness has. (ok, ok, its not funny - I know. Besides, getting sick or not is kinda twist of fate while an giving in or not to an addiction remains to a large extent under our use or lack of control. But we do have the power to do something about it) Or being an alcoholic or a drug addict. Sounds much more romantic than being completely fucking broke. At least it does to me.
"Hey I am broke because I love to buy really expensive bags to that I can keep up with all the glossy celebs in the glossy mags - because it just makes me feel better to carry an expensive bag and shit like that" Which means - lightbulb! - spending is an addiction like anything else. Wow. How fucking smart am I? Like DUH! So, just keep it mind. I mean, me - keep it in mind.


So - indeed, I must achieve more self-respect.

And make a whole lot of money while I doing it. And maybe like saving some? What a great idea!

no comprende

for all of you who have ever had to apply for unemployment in a language other than your mother tongue. Or in any other language that you cant speak.
Right - so I do speak a couple of languages quite well (ok - not trying to brag here but it happens if your parents are from Europe - where anyone speaking less than 3 languages fluently is considered a dope - and your father is a linguistic genius) So - chip on the shoulder here. Ok - yeah, but I dont speak dutch. Am having been living in Amsterdam for 3 years. Never have never will. Only 16 mil people do - so figured not worth it. I get by, with english and knowing german (dutch is a bit of a mixture of the two above combined with some harsh sounding grunts and such) Whatever. So since I resigned on Monday - have to apply for unemployement. And they are so progressive here, that you do it online. With these amazing pc's - which are about as fast as my great - grandmother trying to explain what a blog is - she's dead by the way - in dutch. Great. Luckily, there is a guy sitting next to me, kinda skinny, missing teeth and sunken cheeks, but really really nice. He helped me. Although he was valiantly trying to do his application as well, his computer always seemed to crash. So, while he was waiting for it to re-boot, he had time on his hands. I didn't. Wanted to get outta there as fast as possible. Man, its sooo depressing at these places. Gsus - plus I felt a bit outta place there with my blackberry and 60GB ipod. Felt kinda bad actually. If I won in the lottery, I would buy these poor slobs all ipods. I would. And employ them. Especially the heroin addict helping me.

Anyways - so yeah, get through all of this and go back to the counter and ask if I am finished. The bad news: no, there are still like 15 bloody pages to fill out. The good news - I can do it online at home! Yes. So I was outta there and off to my hairdressers appointment.

The moral of this story? Don't schedule a hairdressers appointment on the same day as you go to the unemployment office.

desperate housewives

ok - this has nothing to do with desperate housewives - mainly because I don't consider myself as such. But its just on now - and I have seen this episode like 5 times already. (you know - for all you followers - moderate or otherwise) when Gaby kisses whats-her-faces husband and she gets all upset.....Lynette or however you spell it)

Anyways - I have the most amazing friends who have rallied around me. These are people who work (where I previously worked..until yesterday..when basically I was asked to resign...haha) at this quite amazing place. And its amazing because of the people there - well, some of them.

I just have to say it - there are some fucking amazing people out there. Alvaro, Patricia, Lorenza, Paulo,..... I am truly grateful.


gotta go. Who am I kidding? no body is going to read my shit. But hey, who cares?

oh man, what a day

Today is Falco's death day. Hmmm, how fitting. Not that I died. But today does mark the first day of joblessness. Yes, I lost my job. Well, resignation by mutual consent. I had wanted to leave but kinda in a different way. Oh well. Its just been a really really shitty past....what...12 months? Yeah, about that. Actually, started earlier. When I bought this damn house. I just went in a bit over my head. Shouldn't have done that and now I just have debts. (ok, I also have a penchant for nice bags - heard about that? The It-Bags? Well, I sure have and started collecting some) Nothing but debts. Its horrible. Wish I could write something funny but I don't feel like it. Don't feel like doing anything but burying my head under the covers and just waking up till I win in the lottery. How bloody awesome would that be? Maybe I should actually play - then at least I'd have a chance. And while waiting for that elusive event, actually get my shit together? Like trying to find a job? After this job that I've been doing for - what 10 years - high stress, handling pretty big money, maybe I should just work at the local bakery or something. I have kind of lost my confidence. So thats the task - re-gaining confidence.

under the covers